There was a time when I enjoyed the grocery store. Before kids, of course. After kids, when someone else is watching them and I got to go by myself. The paradise of silence, no whining or crying or attempt to run away from wherever I was. The pure luxury of it all. Wander down the spice aisle. Ask…
HELL NO I’M NOT SUBJECTING MY DAUGHTERS TO THE MENS ROOM
One of the many things I never really thought of as a stay-at-home Dad was the whole bathroom situation. Never even crossed my mind, not once. Whenever I had to go, when we were out and about, I just held it while Sophie was still in diapers. I hate public restrooms anyway, even for just a quick and simple…
IT’S LIKE YOU’RE TRYING TO COMMUNICATE WITH ME
“Dock, dock, dock, no dock, no dock, dock, no dock,” 2 year-old Sophie spit out in her tiny, squeaky voice, pointing at various things in the living room, dining room, and myself. I was the last ‘no dock.’ I was always ‘no dock’ and have never figured out what the fuck that means. “Is ‘no dock’ good? I pleaded,…
WHERE IS YOUR DAMN BACKPACK
The school-year bane of my stay at home father existence. The albatross hanging around my back, rather than either of my children’s, where they rightfully belong. More than the fish, dogs, frogs, guinea pigs, homework, water bottles, shoes, even the constant search for bankies. Years of my life spent searching for and cursing at those things, but nothing like the…
PRINCESS MOVIES MAKE ME WISH FOR SWEET DEATH
I’ve always hated princess movies. The whole being a male thing, I guess, to begin with. The only ones that were around when I was a boy where the old Disney “classics”: Snow White, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty. Not that I had seen them even once before having girls, but I was aware of them. Aware of them as…
CLEANING FOR THE CLEANERS
Problems of the privileged, I know. The cleaners we had growing up were me and my brother and sister, and we worked all Saturday. Clorox in the sinks and tubs, bleach in the toilets, and the looming threat of Mom throwing our shit out if it wasn’t put away. Until I was 15 that was the way things were. Until…
You Hell!
But you never knew what was waiting for you when the call came over the intercom. Sometimes it was just an overanxious nurse being overly careful, or wanting to display the looming muscle of the psych hospital to a patient acting out. Oh, yeah, I’ll call the big fuckers down to get you… they would say. Or sometimes the unit…
EASTER EGG HUNTS ARE RUN BY LAW OF THE JUNGLE APOLOGISTS
And yet I keep going to them. Every few years, like they’re going to change. This time it’ll be different! Or perhaps I’ve just been unlucky. But nope. Same, survival of the fittest paradigm on display. Bigger, faster wins the day again, wire to wire. Friends keep telling me, “Oh we went to such a nice one, there was no…
YEAH, THE LUCKIEST MAN IN THE WORLD. SURE. THANKS.
We were so tired. Always so tired. Like some permanent symptom of parenthood. After nearly two years of sleeplessness, exhaustion felt like home. Sophie was almost 2, and still hadn’t slept through the night. And hardly napped at all. I was very occasionally able to bob and dance and romance her into one. Maybe. And of course C had…
LOOKING THE OTHER WAY
I would like to thank the woman at the gym who was paying no attention to anything at all and ran right into me, jamming her giant German arm right into my balls and making me take a knee. I really would. It’s not every day that the world gets your attention so completely and abruptly without any…