All the way back in school and fully swinging, the kids are now certifiably insane. Cooped up and their apple cored all the common way out, by the time they finish their mass of homework too weighty for their young age, their sanity has jumped the fence and is sprinting feral across the hillside. Say, at bath time, when the…
YOU CAN’T TRAP FARTS IN A JAR
Lilah has become a world-class farter. I say this not out of pride, but of warning to the general public. What started as a stinky pastime to annoy her sister and her parents, often blaming it on her imaginary friends that would do such horrible things intentionally to loved ones like crawl in bed and waft death under the covers,…
THE BEE GURU
The bees were perhaps the most interesting part of the summer trip as I look back on it now. My mother had become a beekeeper, in the lucid lunacy of finally settling into retirement, with the carte blanche you are provided as such, allowing you to do things you’ve always wanted to do, but had never thought of actually doing.…
I SWEAR I’M GONNA STAPLE THAT TO YOUR FOREHEAD
I SWEAR I’M GONNA STAPLE THAT TO YOUR FOREHEAD I try to keep it together. I really do. I have great kids and I love them very much. There are a few things, however, that make me absolutely insane. They tend to be the things I rail upon, often for years, with seemingly no effect whatsoever. This week’s sterling…
JUST GET IN THE WATER
The two main bloodlines competing for dominance within me are Russian Jew and Irish. Some other vagabonds throw their genetic two cents around, but they’re the two main tyrants at the table. And among the many wonderful things the Jewish and Irish people are known for, being water borne people is decidedly not in the mix. The Irish believed that…
TIME TO GET YOUR ASS BACK TO SCHOOL
God I used to love summers. Long for them, starting all the way in February in Iowa when we would get our first, accidental warm day. “Warm” being anything over forty degrees, which was enough for our thick-blooded, thick-headed Midwestern selves to sport shorts and t-shirts to school. Sped the whole way there with the windows down, Tom and…
THE BEE COLLECTOR
There were bees all over the kitchen when I came home, still swimming in the day’s many errands that mostly involved buying the various things we needed for our new house with Cindy. My mother in law was allergic so I just started killing them, eight or nine on the kitchen window before I was guilty and done. I hate…
DON’T FALL ON THE DEAD WHALE. I FORGOT TO TELL YOU THAT.
The doldrums of the summer are upon us. Our Midwestern vacation is long gone now, and I didn’t sign up for enough camps and classes and other crap to get the kids out of the house, occupied, and if not away from me, then at least distracted enough to stop fighting with each other. So when I hear a dead…
COLORING IN THE PENISES
Fifth grade. Sex Ed time. Only now they don’t call it sex education, it’s “Health and Family Living.” And they don’t actually talk about sex! That would be unbecoming and unwarranted. But they get the anatomy down. And puberty. And apparently, the week-long subject ends with everyone coloring penises with crayons. Balls and alls. I’m sure they must have…
THE GUILTY PLEASURE OF THE KID BEING SICK
It’s horrible when your kid is sick. Tears you up inside, makes you feel helpless. I’d rather be sick instead, please. I’ll take that illness in a heartbeat. But when your baby that is no longer a baby gets sick and has to stay home, they suddenly turn into that baby that they used to be. Like when they…