One of the many things I never really thought of as a stay-at-home Dad was the whole bathroom situation. Never even crossed my mind, not once. Whenever I had to go, when we were out and about, I just held it while Sophie was still in diapers. I hate public restrooms anyway, even for just a quick and simple…
Category: Current Blog Posts
IT’S LIKE YOU’RE TRYING TO COMMUNICATE WITH ME
“Dock, dock, dock, no dock, no dock, dock, no dock,” 2 year-old Sophie spit out in her tiny, squeaky voice, pointing at various things in the living room, dining room, and myself. I was the last ‘no dock.’ I was always ‘no dock’ and have never figured out what the fuck that means. “Is ‘no dock’ good? I pleaded,…
WHERE IS YOUR DAMN BACKPACK
The school-year bane of my stay at home father existence. The albatross hanging around my back, rather than either of my children’s, where they rightfully belong. More than the fish, dogs, frogs, guinea pigs, homework, water bottles, shoes, even the constant search for bankies. Years of my life spent searching for and cursing at those things, but nothing like the…
PRINCESS MOVIES MAKE ME WISH FOR SWEET DEATH
I’ve always hated princess movies. The whole being a male thing, I guess, to begin with. The only ones that were around when I was a boy where the old Disney “classics”: Snow White, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty. Not that I had seen them even once before having girls, but I was aware of them. Aware of them as…
CLEANING FOR THE CLEANERS
Problems of the privileged, I know. The cleaners we had growing up were me and my brother and sister, and we worked all Saturday. Clorox in the sinks and tubs, bleach in the toilets, and the looming threat of Mom throwing our shit out if it wasn’t put away. Until I was 15 that was the way things were. Until…
EASTER EGG HUNTS ARE RUN BY LAW OF THE JUNGLE APOLOGISTS
And yet I keep going to them. Every few years, like they’re going to change. This time it’ll be different! Or perhaps I’ve just been unlucky. But nope. Same, survival of the fittest paradigm on display. Bigger, faster wins the day again, wire to wire. Friends keep telling me, “Oh we went to such a nice one, there was no…
YEAH, THE LUCKIEST MAN IN THE WORLD. SURE. THANKS.
We were so tired. Always so tired. Like some permanent symptom of parenthood. After nearly two years of sleeplessness, exhaustion felt like home. Sophie was almost 2, and still hadn’t slept through the night. And hardly napped at all. I was very occasionally able to bob and dance and romance her into one. Maybe. And of course C had…
TIME TO CLEAN UP YOUR MOUTH THE BABY’S CURSING
I have always cursed. A lot. I snuck away to a George Carlin concert when I was 14, (I ordered it over the phone in a great, deep-voiced act of daring) illegally driving myself with my fresh learner’s permit to the venue all dressed up (in a blue blazer and tie, as if that would set them off my pimpled-faced…